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Whatever Floats Your Bloat

The most tolerant intolerant eater

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Category: Cafes

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Espresso Alley, Northcote [permanently closed]

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on September 2, 2018May 17, 2021

Espresso Alley is a cutesy local on a somewhat deserted strip in Northcote that I’m glad exists because it means grocery shopping can be fun every once in a while.

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  • Cafes

Ascot Food Store, Moonee Ponds

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on June 18, 2018June 17, 2018

Ascot Food Store is a cutesy, light-filled and wholesome neighbourhood spot, the kind of spot where the number of babies is only surpassed by the number of dogs – so there’s something for everyone.

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  • Cafes

Hash Specialty Coffee, Melbourne

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on May 20, 2018

Before I launch into my first WFYB review in a while, there’s a pretty momentous announcement I have to make: I am not FODMAP-intolerant.

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  • Cafes

Kines, Brunswick

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on March 11, 2018March 11, 2018

Don’t let inaction stop you from going to Kines as it did me – it’ll be one of the best brunches you have in Melbourne. If you’re addled with intolerances, know they’ll do everything in their control to ensure you escape with zero bloats.

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  • Cafes

Short Round, Thornbury

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on February 18, 2018February 11, 2018

Short Round was as good as I remember – If I’m ever in Thornbury with my parents and a shut creperie, I won’t think twice about visiting again.

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  • Cafes

Terror Twilight, Collingwood

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on January 21, 2018January 21, 2018

It was with a great sense of dismay that I learnt Bedford Street, which used to serve fried chicken waffles for breakfast, was being revitalised as Terror Twilight – a café specialising in deconstructed bowls and broths.

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  • Cafes

Humble Rays, Carlton

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on January 7, 2018January 14, 2018

Tucked away in the industrial backstreets of Carlton, Humble Rays is another café that Melbourne doesn’t need but where we had to wait for a table nonetheless.

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  • Cafes

Handsome Her, Brunswick [permanently closed]

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on November 12, 2017May 17, 2021

I first learned about Handsome Her when it made headlines for charging men an 18% surcharge to account for the gender pay gap, proceeds of which go to women’s services – a noble endeavour that I am 100% in favour of.

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  • Cafes

The Pie Shop, Brunswick East

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on September 16, 2017September 16, 2017

One of my favourite things to eat that I can’t eat are pies, be they Four’N Twenty meat pies or apple pies of the McDonalds variety, hence why I jumped at the chance to try The Pie Shop, an offshoot of Matt Wilkinson’s Pope Joan.

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  • Cafes

Au79, Abbotsford

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on August 13, 2017August 20, 2017

Of all the themes to base a café around, Au79’s owners chose gold.

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About

 

When you’re FODMAP and lactose-intolerant as well as lacking a somewhat vital organ such as a gallbladder, everything floats your bloat – tomatoes, eggplant, mature cheeses (so most good cheeses), wine, spinach, almond milk, every form of preserved meat (yes, that includes bacon), that little bit of ghee your mum slips into her dahl to make it taste all the better.

Bloat Scores

0 Living the dream

1 Had to loosen my belt a notch

2 The belt had to be completely removed

3 I could have balanced a glass of wine on my bloated stomach

4 If I were lying prostrate on my tummy, it would have looked as though I was levitating

5 So full of gas I floated home like a hot air balloon

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