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Whatever Floats Your Bloat

The most tolerant intolerant eater

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Category: Cafes

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Udom House, West Melbourne

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on December 23, 2022December 23, 2022

A Thai café serving pies, toast and jaffles with fillings and toppings ranging from massaman curry chicken and Thai tea kaya to chilli paste and pork floss, Udom House catapulted to the top of my list after I spied someone in my Instagram stories having chicken liver and sticky rice (!!!) there.

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  • Cafes

Lankan Tucker, Brunswick West

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on July 5, 2021July 5, 2021

Egg hoppers, string hoppers, biryani, kothhu roti – Lankan Tucker’s menu is a stunning riposte to your typical eggs on toast (though they have that too).

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  • Cafes

Ichigo, Melbourne

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on March 29, 2021May 17, 2021

Dishes as tasty as they look make up Ichigo’s menu, but be prepared to fork out a little more than you would for brunch.

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  • Cafes

Neruda’s Brunswick

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on March 2, 2021May 17, 2021

It didn’t matter who I told – everyone would speak highly of Chilean cafe Neruda’s upon hearing that I now lived in Brunswick.

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  • Cafes

Forty Flips, Coburg North [permanently closed]

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on April 22, 2020May 17, 2021

In this melting pot of a café, the owners are Cypriot, the chef Turkish.

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  • Cafes

Le Miel Et La Lune, Carlton

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on April 15, 2020May 17, 2021

I’d visited tranquil cornerside Carlton café Le Miel Et La Lune for the first time years ago and loved it, promising myself that it’d become a regular stop on my brunch circuit, but then before I knew it four years had passed and I hadn’t been back!

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Lucy Lockett, Brunswick

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on December 15, 2019May 17, 2021

I’d eaten at Brunswick café Lucy Lockett before, but not since they’d changed hands and released a largely vegan menu.

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  • Cafes

Project281 Cafe, Brunswick

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on November 17, 2019May 17, 2021

My eyes couldn’t help but glaze over mentions of granola bowls, eggs benedict and smashed avo replicated across the menus of Melbourne’s cafés in my brunch research for this weekend, until I stumbled across Project281 Cafe.

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  • Cafes

Wild Life Bakery, Brunswick East

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on August 25, 2019August 26, 2019

I found out about Wild Life Bakery the way plebs unaware of Melbourne’s latest advancements in sourdough found out about it – through this effusive Broadsheet review about its famed baguette with egg, creamed greens and onion jam.

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  • Cafes

Shanklin Cafe, Hawthorn East

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on October 21, 2018

I don’t usually venture outside my locale on weekends, preferring instead to visit places that I can reach either by foot or tram, but Shanklin Cafe’s invitation to try their fare was too good to pass up.

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About

 

When you’re FODMAP and lactose-intolerant as well as lacking a somewhat vital organ such as a gallbladder, everything floats your bloat – tomatoes, eggplant, mature cheeses (so most good cheeses), wine, spinach, almond milk, every form of preserved meat (yes, that includes bacon), that little bit of ghee your mum slips into her dahl to make it taste all the better.

Bloat Scores

0 Living the dream

1 Had to loosen my belt a notch

2 The belt had to be completely removed

3 I could have balanced a glass of wine on my bloated stomach

4 If I were lying prostrate on my tummy, it would have looked as though I was levitating

5 So full of gas I floated home like a hot air balloon

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