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Whatever Floats Your Bloat

The most tolerant intolerant eater

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Author: Sonia Nair

Sonia Nair is a Melbourne-based food writer who persists with her love of everything deep fried and spicy, despite being diagnosed with a histamine intolerance and lactose intolerance after incorrectly thinking she was fructose-intolerant for several years.
  • Restaurants

Northern Git, Thornbury

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on September 20, 2016September 25, 2016

Northern Git was suggested as the perfect place for a mid-week dinner, and after realising it was on my 180-page list of places I want to try in Melbourne, I started rapaciously scouring the menu – deciding at least two days in advance that we would definitely be having the spicy chicken wings with blue cheese.

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  • Restaurants

Vegie Hut, Box Hill

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on September 11, 2016September 25, 2016

Most people find the idea of fake (or mock) meat unfathomable or reprehensible or both, which is why I was slightly hesitant to tell people that I was celebrating my birthday by going to Vegie Hut, a vegetarian restaurant in Box Hill famous for its fake meat.

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  • Restaurants

Kaprica, Carlton

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on August 21, 2016September 25, 2016

One of my favourite job interviews wasn’t one that resulted in me getting hired, but rather one where they took me out to Kaprica and paid for me to have a risotto.

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  • Restaurants

Juicy Bao, Melbourne

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on August 14, 2016August 18, 2016

Juicy Bao is one of my favourite dumpling places in Melbourne, and that’s a lofty statement when there’s competition in the form of Shandong Mama, Hutong, Shanghai Street, Din Tai Fung and New Shanghai.

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  • Restaurants

Punjabi Curry Cafe, Collingwood

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on July 31, 2016August 18, 2016

As tempted as I always am by the wafts of curry that emanate from bain-maries in food courts, I know the bloat after will be far from worth it.

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  • Cafes

Higher Ground, Melbourne

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on July 25, 2016August 18, 2016

In the brunch capital of Melbourne, it’s unfathomable why you’d choose to visit the same café twice in a week, yet that’s exactly what I did after Higher Ground opened down the unfashionable end of Little Bourke Street.

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  • Restaurants

Easey’s, Collingwood

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on July 17, 2016August 18, 2016

I’ve been avoiding Easey’s like a fructose-intolerant person avoids garlic bread. Nothing good can come out of a burger place that serves mac and cheese, dim sims and potato cakes when you react adversely to the slightest whiff of onion and have my willpower i.e. none whatsoever.

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  • Restaurants

Kiki Riki Latin Street Food, Collingwood [permanently closed]

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on July 10, 2016October 14, 2018

In the age of Zomato, Broadsheet and the like, it’s hard to genuinely stumble upon a place before you hear about it online, although that’s exactly how I chanced upon Kiki Riki Latin Street Food.

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  • Cafes

SMÄK Food House, South Yarra [permanently closed]

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on June 26, 2016October 14, 2018

Kale smoothies and chia seed puddings are so ’05 because there’s a new kid on the block – turmeric lattes.

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  • Restaurants

Shandong Mama, Melbourne

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on June 20, 2016June 26, 2016

I know Shandong Mama isn’t exactly the newest kid on the block, but while people are still lining up to enter that abominable red door place on the corner of Little Bourke and Russell, I feel it is my duty as an eater to publicise the availability of the delicious and cheap dumplings at Shandong Mama.

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About

 

When you’re FODMAP and lactose-intolerant as well as lacking a somewhat vital organ such as a gallbladder, everything floats your bloat – tomatoes, eggplant, mature cheeses (so most good cheeses), wine, spinach, almond milk, every form of preserved meat (yes, that includes bacon), that little bit of ghee your mum slips into her dahl to make it taste all the better.

Bloat Scores

0 Living the dream

1 Had to loosen my belt a notch

2 The belt had to be completely removed

3 I could have balanced a glass of wine on my bloated stomach

4 If I were lying prostrate on my tummy, it would have looked as though I was levitating

5 So full of gas I floated home like a hot air balloon

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