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Whatever Floats Your Bloat

The most tolerant intolerant eater

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Tag: Restaurants

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Osteria Ilaria, Melbourne

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on February 4, 2018February 4, 2018

If you’re not willing to balance precariously on a high stool at the bar or firm up your Thursday night plans six weeks in advance, Tipo 00 is off limits, which is why it made foodie news when the team behind the famed pasta bar opened sister restaurant Osteria Ilaria a few doors away.

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  • Restaurants

The Old Raffles Place, Collingwood

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on November 27, 2016December 4, 2016

I’ve never really understood what ‘Singaporean’ food means. It’s akin to Tasmania seceding from the mainland and selling Australian food under the moniker ‘Tasmanian food’.

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  • Restaurants

Lazerpig, Collingwood

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on November 21, 2016December 4, 2016

Pizza can be easily adapted into something suitable for fructose- and lactose-intolerant people, as you can usually customise the toppings and choose a gluten-free base.

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  • Restaurants

Neko Neko, Fitzroy

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on November 13, 2016December 4, 2016

Vegetarian ramen lovers, fret no more – there is a new cutesy Japanese eatery that does not only vegetarian ramen, but vegan ramen.

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  • Restaurants

Teta Mona, Brunswick East

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on October 16, 2016

It would have been easy to follow my intolerances at Teta Mona, a cosy and contained Lebanese eatery on what wankers like me term the ‘good end’ of Lygon Street, but Teta Mona has a sharing menu and that put a spanner in the works.

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  • Restaurants

Ricky & Pinky, Fitzroy

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on September 25, 2016September 25, 2016

Ricky & Pinky was on my radar, but it wasn’t until my in-laws gifted me with a voucher to dine there (shout out to the wonderful O’Deas!) did it supersede all the other places on my list.

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  • Restaurants

Northern Git, Thornbury

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on September 20, 2016September 25, 2016

Northern Git was suggested as the perfect place for a mid-week dinner, and after realising it was on my 180-page list of places I want to try in Melbourne, I started rapaciously scouring the menu – deciding at least two days in advance that we would definitely be having the spicy chicken wings with blue cheese.

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  • Restaurants

Vegie Hut, Box Hill

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on September 11, 2016September 25, 2016

Most people find the idea of fake (or mock) meat unfathomable or reprehensible or both, which is why I was slightly hesitant to tell people that I was celebrating my birthday by going to Vegie Hut, a vegetarian restaurant in Box Hill famous for its fake meat.

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  • Restaurants

Punjabi Curry Cafe, Collingwood

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on July 31, 2016August 18, 2016

As tempted as I always am by the wafts of curry that emanate from bain-maries in food courts, I know the bloat after will be far from worth it.

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  • Restaurants

Easey’s, Collingwood

  • by Sonia Nair
  • Posted on July 17, 2016August 18, 2016

I’ve been avoiding Easey’s like a fructose-intolerant person avoids garlic bread. Nothing good can come out of a burger place that serves mac and cheese, dim sims and potato cakes when you react adversely to the slightest whiff of onion and have my willpower i.e. none whatsoever.

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About

When you’re histamine- and lactose-intolerant as well as lacking a somewhat vital organ such as a gallbladder, everything floats your bloat – tomatoes, eggplant, mature cheeses (so most good cheeses), wine, spinach, almond milk, every form of preserved meat (yes, that includes bacon), that little bit of ghee your mum slips into her dahl to make it taste all the better.

Bloat Scores

0 Living the dream

1 Had to loosen my belt a notch

2 The belt had to be completely removed

3 I could have balanced a glass of wine on my bloated stomach

4 If I were lying prostrate on my tummy, it would have looked as though I was levitating

5 So full of gas I floated home like a hot air balloon

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